I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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