if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
