Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
