I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
