My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
