I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Randomize
