There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
