He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
