just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
