dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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