so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
