You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
