She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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