I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
