Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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