WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize