I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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