So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
