Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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