Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
