I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
