I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
