i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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