literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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