Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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