After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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