So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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