Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
