drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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