I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
