I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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