Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
