you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
