No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
