i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
