One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
