I'm eating all of the evidence.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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