Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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