So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
