I think my vagina is haunted
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
