I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
