before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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