I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
