She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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