Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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