the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
