I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
