i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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