I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
why do cheetos always look like penises
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
