we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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