The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
