At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
