My Higher Power is John Stamos
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize