Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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