I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
