Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
