areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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