You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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