I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
