So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
