if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
