**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
